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Dear Vix,
I went to a fortune teller recently to help me decide what to do about my relationship – but it’s only confused me further!
First, she said the winds were changing, and I could expect something new to blow into my life. Next, she said I should watch out for a warning. Then she offered to read the tarot – and I got the death card (which she said was an ending), the devil (which she said represented controlling behaviour and toxic relationships) and the 10 of pentacles, which apparently can sometimes mean marriage – but in my situation relates to two people sharing a tired and mundane life!
She seemed to be saying I should break up with my boyfriend of 10 years – but I can’t even begin to imagine leaving him.
Yes, I’ve been feeling increasingly suffocated, isolated and (I’ll be honest) a bit depressed. My world feels like it’s shrunk a lot – we moved miles away from all of our family and friends, because the houses were better value in the countryside. He’s the main wage-earner, so he got to decide. But now I really only see my partner and our dog. I’ve lost my community and feel like I’ve lost a sense of who I am without him.
My boyfriend says tarot is nonsense and I shouldn’t take any notice – and that it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks or that we’re on our own, because we only need each other. He’s said this before when my family tried to step in, to stop me from moving so far away with him and to tell me we should separate because they were worried about me. He said I should break ties with them because they’re not supportive. But is he right, or are they?
Mixed Up Mystic
Dear Mixed Up Mystic,
You have said a lot about what your partner thinks is right and what your family thinks is right. But what do you think is right – for you? Do you even know?
There are a few asides hidden in your letter that are giving me real cause for concern, here. The specifics of tarot and fortune telling aside (some people believe in it, others don’t; many seek out readings as a way to connect with their own subconscious feelings and desires or to get external clarity on a situation they are frightened to face), I’m alarmed by your current living situation.
You seem to be saying that you feel isolated and that you’ve moved away from your support network. Your entire world is now focused on your partner and your dog – and it’s making you feel suffocated and depressed.
What’s more, your family are concerned about you – enough that they tried to initiate some kind of intervention to stop you becoming isolated (or being intentionally isolated by your boyfriend?) and tried to persuade you to break up with him.
I have some questions: how much of your life does your boyfriend have a direct say in? And how often do you agree to keep the peace? Are you happy with the decisions you’ve made (or been persuaded to make) – did you even want to move so far away, to begin with?
Is there anything else your boyfriend tells you to do or controls – does he have strong opinions on what you wear, what you spend and who you talk to? Have you ever sought help?
I’m quite concerned that you appear to be in a relationship that might not be in your best interests. We are all familiar with the classic signs of physical abuse, but even when it doesn’t involve physical violence, certain dynamics can still be toxic or unhealthy. And sometimes, what feels like “love” can tip over into coercive control.
This can look like: isolating you from your family and friends, being overly possessive or jealous, monitoring how you spend your time, tracking what you do online or on your phone and controlling aspects of your everyday life – such as where you can go, who you can see, what you can wear and when you can sleep. It can also involve stopping you from accessing support services, such as medical services or support groups – and putting you down.
Women’s Aid has a helpful checklist on the signs to watch out for if you’re worried about whether you should stay in an unhealthy relationship. My instinct is that if you’re asking that question (and hoping a fortune teller or tarot reading will decide for you), then you already know the answer.
But you’ll need extra support, because lots of women are most vulnerable at the point at which they decide to leave. My best advice would be to go and stay with your family or close friends for a bit, while you speak to experts and figure out whether you should ever go back.
You don’t need a fortune teller to look inwards and see how safe you feel.
For support, advice and information contact Women’s Aid
The Independent’s agony aunt Victoria Richards is here to help. Email dearvix@independent.co.uk for advice on love, work, family and relationships
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